Principles for Marriage

1 Corinthians 7:1-16 - Riley Boggs

Sometimes when you read certain texts from the Bible, you are left wondering how in the world certain denominations or groups of people have seemingly done exactly what the text says not to do. For me, this text is one of those. There is not a hint in which this text says that celibacy is required or means you are more holy. In fact, I think one could argue that this text says that one who tries to remain celibate, though they want to be married, is actually dangerous. And yet, the Roman Catholic church requires celibacy for all their priests.

Martin Luther, the great protestant reformer of the 16th century, saw the error of this as well. He was once a catholic monk and had himself taken a vow of celibacy. However, as he begins to search the Scriptures and see that the Catholic church had twisted many things, he came to the realization that these vows were by no means necessary. And after leaving the monastery and catapulting the reformation into action, he begins to write about these things. One of the writings happen to be about Christian marriage and found its way into a catholic nunnery, to women who had taken this vow of celibacy as well. But apparently, 12 of these nuns were convinced of Luther’s words and wrote to him asking for his counsel. They said that they desperately wanted to flee the nunnery, seeing that they were living in a way the Scriptures did not demand them to live. The problem, however, is that escaping a monastery in sixteenth-century Germany was a capital offense. Luther and his friend Leonard had a plan. They were going to smuggle these women out. I’m not sure we know exactly how they did this, but some accounts say they did it by putting them in pickled herring barrels. But regardless, they got them out, brought them to town, and since these women could not fulfill their desire and be married, Luther began matchmaking.

Luther found someone for 11 of the 12 women, but could not find a match for a lady named Katharina von Bora. After turning down another candidate, she jokingly remarked that she would rather Luther than this man. Up until this point Luther was hesitant to find a wife, since he was a considered a condemned heretic by the catholic church. He didn’t want subject a woman to that kind of life, especially since he could certainly be martyred. However, after talking to his father he decided otherwise and sought to marry Katharina. He said he was going to do it, “to please his father, to spite the pope and Devil, and to seal his witness before martyrdom.” Apparently, without a single date, they decided to get married. 

I love stories about Luther because his bravery and bluntness, and his deep love for the Christ and His Word. He was, though, an intense man, known for being quite angry at times. But his love for his wife was very sweet, and it is clear that he loved her dearly. And apparently, she was an impressive woman. She was the mother of 6 children, took in orphaned children of their relatives, and always had guests over. She planted fields, pastures, and sold cows. She slaughtered their pigs, chickens, and cows; made sausage and cheese; and even crafted a special beer that was gentle on Luther’s stomach, as he has a bowel disorder. Luther called her, endearingly, the mistress of the pig market. There are a lot of funny stories about their early marriage, but I won’t spend the time telling all of them. You can read this story by Douglas Bond on modernreformation.org, which I'll link on the manuscript on the website. (https://www.modernreformation.org/resources/essays/reformation-romance-love-and-marriage-luther-and-katie-s-way)

The text this morning has all to do with marriage. It answers the question of whether or not you should get married, what to do if you are married, and some other circumstance specific questions. This text doesn’t answer every question for every scenario, but it does give us the principles by which we can work through different scenarios. But I tell the story of Luther simply because I think it helps us see the thread that, I think, is being pulled through this text. That is a desire for holiness. Luther and Katharina both once though that in order to be truly holy, you must remain single and therefore celibate. But this text does not say that. Instead, it tells us how we might pursue Christ and holiness, whether that is in marriage or not.

The last thing I will say is that dividing this text up into points is not particularly easy, so I asked one of my previous pastors, Lee Tankersley, if I could steal the points he had for his sermon. The way he structures his points is very good, so I am using those, for both of our benefits. Each of these points has addresses a certain situation and gives a instruction to them. You’ll see what I mean as we go. First…

1.) To married couples: Be committed to sexual intimacy with your spouse. (vv.1-5)

Paul starts off in verse 1 quoting what one of the Corinthians had written, saying, “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” Apparently at least some of Corinthians had begun to believe the same lie that the Roman Catholic Church believes today that celibacy is required, or at least the better thing. They were falling prey to something called ascetism, which is a false teaching that says you must essentially discipline yourself by never indulging in any of your desires. Basically, a punishing of yourself in order to become more holy. Paul immediately corrects this and says, in verse 2, “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” He is saying that because of the temptation of sexual immorality, it actually might be better for the majority of you to take a husband or wife, so that you do not fall prey to that temptation, but instead fulfill that desire in the right way. We’ll look at this more in a minute, but if you jump down to verses 8-9, you can see him saying this in a different way. He says, “8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” In other words, if you desire marriage and the things of marriage, if you can, you should get married. Don’t put it off and find yourself in a fight against sexual immorality that you don’t have to be in.

We know this is what he has in mind because he goes on then to give instructions as to how the husband-and-wife ought to view sexual intimacy in their marriage. He says, starting in verse 3, “3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

In other words, he is saying that in order to guard yourself from the temptation of sexual immorality, you are certainly free to get married. And then, to those who are married, you need to be committed to sexual intimacy with your spouse as the means to guard yourself. Put simply, if you get married in order to guard yourself against temptation sexual immorality, but don’t engage in the act that will help you fight against it, you aren’t actually guarding yourself. And so, Paul says married couples have to commit to this.

Not only that, but it is so important that a husband and wife are instructed to give one another their conjugal rights. Even further, he says that the husband has authority over his wife’s body, and the wife has authority over her husband’s body. In marriage, you are committing all of yourself to your spouse. What this means is that, you should be committed to sexual intimacy in marriage in such a way that you try to fulfill your spouse’s desires. Now, loving your spouse might mean not making your desire known at certain times because you know they might not want to, or something of this nature. We are to love the one to whom God has given us as best we can, and that means making sacrifices, both in the asking or not asking, and then the fulfillment of the commitment you made when you got married.

Put very simply, verses 5 simply calls those who are married to be committed to sexual intimacy in such a way that they do not go extended period of time without it. For a time, for various reasons, you might abstain, but only for a limited time. The regular practice with a marriage should be a commitment to sexual intimacy. 

The next group Paul turns to is the unmarried, or those who have been widowed. He says…

2.) To the unmarried and widows: Be committed, if possible, to remain unmarried. (6-9)

We know that Paul is single here because he tells us this. He might have been widowed, or he might have never married, we don’t know. Regardless, he realizes that there is a benefit to being single. A benefit that those who choose to get married simply do not have. The benefit he has in mind is that those who are unmarried or widowed do not have a spouse to consider. It is true that you never realize how truly selfish you are until you get married. That is because marriage takes work, it takes time, and it rightfully pulls you away from other things. The benefit for those who are single is that they do not have this, so they will naturally have more time and brain-space to do things for the kingdom. There is a certain sense in which a single person can totally sell out for the Gospel in a way that a married person may not be able to. Paul is example of this. He was constantly traveling and putting everything on the line, not thinking about his lonely wife at home.

And Paul’s encouragement here is that this is a good thing, and if you are single and can remain that way, that is a good thing. It is not required, and it is not better than being married, but it is good in a unique way. The caveat, though, is that if you are tempted by sexual immorality, you need to get married. If you are going to struggle with self-control in this area, get married. If you desire to get married, then pursue marriage. Truthfully, I think this is the majority of people. 

Often times people talk of the “gift of singleness”, and I don’t think this is wrong, but I think there is a better way of putting it, particularly in light of this text. One previous pastors, Aaron O'Kelley, helpfully pointed this out.  The gift mentioned in verse 7 and the ability to exercise self-control in verse 9, I think, are connected. In other words, there are people who are uniquely gifted in their ability to exercise self-control in such a way that they are able to be single. The gifting provides for the call to singleness, it is not that the singleness itself is the gift. Now, we are meaning a similar thing, but I don’t want to speak of marriage or singleness in such a way that one seems holier or better than the other. God has gifted each of us in different ways, and for some of you that means you ought to pursue singleness, and for some that means you ought to pursue marriage.

So to those who are single or widowed, if you are able, remain unmarried and devote as much as you can to the kingdom. But, if you desire marriage or are tempted, marriage is the better option rather than burning with passion. Next, Paul says…

3.) To the believer married to another believer: Don’t divorce your spouse. (vv.10-11)

I want to draw your attention to verses 10 and 11, which is where this point is being drawn from. This can be a bit of a confusing text because of the way some of these words are translated. In verse 10 you have that, “the wife should not separate”, then in verse 11 it says, “but if she does”, and then at the end of verse 11, “the husband should not divorce his wife.” I am not totally sure why the translators chosen to render these words in these ways, but I think the Greek here is very helpful because we can sort of clear up what is being said. The first two words are the same in the Greek, and Paul uses a different one in the third instance. However, all 3 of these words could be translated as separate or leave, in keeping with the same word used when Jesus said, “what God has joined together, let not man separate.” 

For clarity, I think the text could read something like this. “To the married I give the charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave her husband, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not leave his wife.” The point being, married believers should not leave one another, should not divorce. A married couple of believers cannot get tired of one another, stop loving one another, or something like this and up and leave. Divorce is simply not permissible in these cases.

Now, we know that there are reasons why married believers might rightfully get a divorce. Jesus tells us the first reason in Matthew 19. He tells us there that if a spouse commits adultery, then the wronged spouse can rightfully divorce the other. The other reason why married believers might rightfully get a divorce by abandonment, either in death or in the situation we’ll look at in the following verses.

But, the point verses 10 and 11 is that you married believers cannot simply just get a divorce, that is not an option. And even further, if two believers have divorced without a legitimate reason, they should not go and marry someone else. Rather, they should be reconciled back to their spouse or remain unmarried. If they have not had legitimate reason to divorce, but still have divorced, and then go on and marry someone else, that is adultery.

The call here is simple. Wives, do not divorce your husbands. Husbands, do not divorce your wives. And if you have without legitimate reason, be reconciled to them or remain unmarried. Lastly, Paul speaks to the final group…

4.) To the believer who is married to an unbeliever: Don’t divorce your unbelieving spouse. (vv.12-16

Before diving into these final verses I want to clarify what Paul means when he says, “I, not the Lord” in verse 12. You might’ve noticed that Paul said the opposite in verse 10 and said, “Not I, but the Lord”. All Paul is doing here is referring to the explicit teaching of Christ during His earthly ministry. Jesus, as I mentioned, taught directly what Paul said in verses 10-11. This next section, however, Jesus did not teach while on this earth. But, this doesn’t in anyway negate what he is about to say. We understand all of the Bible to be God’s holy, inspired, and infallible word. Just because Jesus did not say it Himself while on Earth, does not mean that He did not use the apostle Paul to write in His Word for us.

So with that, Paul addresses the believers who is married to an unbeliever, and says that they should not divorce them. Now, Paul is not advocating for believers to married unbelievers at all, the Bible clearly forbids this. Paul has in mind the situation where maybe 2 unbelievers are married and one of them hears the Gospel and comes to saving faith in Christ. Or maybe, 2 professing believers are married and one spouse renounces their faith and says they no longer believe that Jesus is God. In either of these situations, Paul says that the believing spouse should not divorce their unbelieving spouse.

He gives a two reasons why. First, there is a sense in which the unbelieving spouse is, as Paul calls it, “being made holy” because of their believing spouse, and the same with their children. This does not mean that they are really holy in the sense that they are saved, but Paul seems to be anticipating a concern here by believers married to unbelievers. They might be thinking, “Am I to stay with them? United to them? I am not righteous because of Christ, yet they are unrighteous. I have been made clean, they have not. Will they defile me, make me less acceptable before God?” Paul’s response is no, not at all. If anything, they are made holy because you are holy, and you are their spouse. In being united with them, they are sanctified, because the Spirit lives within you. In other words, because of the believer’s holiness, both the marriage and their children are in a holy setting. The believing spouse does not need to worry about them, or their children being defiled, and they do not need to divorce.

The second reason a believing spouse should not divorce their unbelieving spouse is because, verse 16, your unbelieving spouse might come to know Christ because of you. In seeking to love their spouse like Christ loves the church. In seeking to serve their spouse like Jesus who came to serve instead of being served. In seeking to share and live the Gospel out, the believing spouse might with their unbelieving spouse to Christ. And for this reason, they should not divorce them.

Now, it is not up to the believing spouse to save them. They cannot do that, only God. And so if unbelieving spouse does not come to know Christ and instead decide to divorce their spouse, then verse 15, the believing spouse is not enslaved, for God has called them to peace. That is, even if they have not committed adultery, they have abandoned them, and for that reason the believing spouse can be remarried if they desire.

The church of Corinth was a church full of broken marriages, misconceptions about sexual intimacy, questions about what to do in certain situations. Paul writes to them and simply lays out what God has called them to, 4 different situations in particular. This passage, for us, is where we get our principles for marriage and can best glorify God in the situation we are in.

I do want to say that I know this text can certainly read quite a bit more simple than the real-life circumstances some of you might be in. A believer married to an unbeliever might say, “Well, I do not feel very holy when my spouse openly says he hates Christ, and yet I have to still be committed to sexual intimacy with him.” Or, “I don’t see how my children are holy, while they are being influenced by their father who hates that I take the kids them to church.” Or maybe, someone is single, and they read Paul saying, “If you desire marriage, get married”, and they think, “Well if it were that easy, I would be married already.” There are many other examples of the same feeling from this text. Your situation might not feel as simple as the text reads. 

But here is what I want you to know. God knows your situation. He knows how you feel, He knows how hard it is, He knows your struggles, your hurts, your desires. He knows and understands it all, better than you do. And He loves you and has your best interest in mind, truly. From this text, He wants you to simply obey and honor Him in whatever situation you are in. If you are in a marriage and are both believers, obey and honor Him by committing to sexual intimacy with your spouse. If you are single, if possible, remain single. But if you cannot, then pursue marriage while seeking contentment and purity. If you are in a marriage and are both believers, remove the thought of divorce from your mind completely. It is not an option, you cannot leave. Fight for a good marriage, love and serve your spouse with all you have. If you are struggling in your marriage, seek counseling with a pastor. Do not give up on it, do not leave your spouse. And then lastly, if you are a believe married to an unbeliever, don’t divorce them. Try to win them to Christ and trust what God has said when He says that you are holy, and because of you, your marriage and children are sanctified as well. But, if they leave you, you are free to remain single or be remarried.

God’s Word is so good, isn’t it? It is all we need. We have the very words of God, penned by Paul, given to us so that we might know how to live our lives. It is a gift beyond gifts. In this Word, we read of the God-man, Jesus Christ who came to earth, lived a sinless life, died on the cross, took on the wrath of God for sinners, and then resurrected to show His power over sin and death. This story, the Gospel, is what makes us who we are. We are the chosen, redeemed, loved, cherished, people of God. Not because of anything we have done, but because of what Christ has done for us. And, it is these people, those who have placed their faith in Christ, to come to the table with us this morning.

                  If you hear that and you say, I want to be chosen, redeemed, loved, and cherished by God, that is the good news. If you would simply repent of your sins and trust Christ for salvation, then this would all be true of you. You will no longer be under the wrath of God, but would be lavished with grace. If you have not placed your faith in Christ, we ask that that you not come to the table this morning, but instead turn to Christ.